To worship You I live

I am in pursuit of reaching heaven in my worship, in my praise and in my prayers. I have this hunger in my heart that keeps craving the sweet presence of God's Holy Spirit. This hunger that is so distracting that I remain feeling unsettled if I don't just praise or pray. I have prayed to have this hunger many years ago. I would see how people would praise, worship and pray in my church and just marvel at their confidence. They did not give a hoot if a person stared or judged. They did not stop lifting their arms or dancing the 1, 2 step because they were determined to reach heaven. They loved God so much that they just needed to express it in their unique way.

I have always loved to worship. I would even worship in the crib as a baby whenever my sitter put worship music. I would raise my hands and "sing." But then came an incident when I let down my arms ashamed. I was probably around 6 years old, very young. During a church service I had my eyes closed and my arms raised just singing to God until I heard laughter and saw two little girls pointing and laughing at me. They laughed at my worship, they laughed at my heart, they laughed at me. I grew red and cried. I felt judged and ashamed.

That small incident effected how I worshipped from then on. I didn't get vulnerable if there was a crowd. I didn't like to pray in groups with my eyes closed because I was afraid of getting judged or laughed at. I didn't let myself be free in my worship and praise.

This shame affected my connection with the Father. I was guarded towards Him. It took years to break free from the shame. Seeing others be vulnerable in front of a crowd sparked my interest. I saw a safe space, I saw a judgement free zone. I saw it and knew that I wanted that. I became bold. I raised my hands up high and closed my eyes. I would peek in between verses but didn't find any laughing faces.

Growing closer to Jesus and by really knowing who He is and what He did on the cross made my heart grow so big for Him. We love because He first loved us. The love He has is contagious in the best kind of way. Spending time with Him and seeking to understand Him more by reading the Bible filled me with truth. Confidence comes with knowing the truth. When you believe in something so strongly no one can sway your mindset, because you're confident in it. I became confident in His love for me and I just needed to pour out my love on Him.

This past week I have been spending time at Jesus's feet. Jesus just kept pulling me towards His feet. And it's at His feet where I could pour my heart and soul. I can pour EVERYTHING there. Scripture shows and explains so well what it's like to be at Jesus's feet. It's beautiful, freeing, peaceful, and pure.

I find it silly now to hold back my praise or prayers in front of a crowd. I'm not doing it for them! I am sending it all to God and He sees it; He sees my heart and as I stay focused on Him, He's focused on me.

The bible says God puts a new song in our mouth; each song is unique therefore how we worship is different. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and true, look inside your heart and open it up to God. You'll experience something different and new each time that will bring peace and joy.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.
— Psalm 40:3

[S]peaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
— Ephesians 5:19-20

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart
 — Jeremiah 29:13

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know'
— Jeremiah 33:3

We love because he first loved us.
— 1 John 4:19


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